As a child...

As a child

As a child,
I knew no fear,
no sadness, no hunger,
no loneliness.
I spend my day
if not in front of the table,
to eat, draw, paint,
but playing,
playing with my dolls,
the cats, the dog,
and watching TV,
after I helped mom
with her stuff.
But I ate very slowly.
Maybe, sometimes, I feared the dark. Maybe.
I had a plush dog to guard me at night.
He was there my entire life, guarding me  from under my head.
I wasn't afraid of the world,
of the dark, of the unknown,
of tomorrow, and I was ok with failing.
Soon, school started.
I knew no fear, no sadness,
no hunger,
I spend my day at school and doing my homework,
because  my teacher was very restrictive.
She gave us too much homework.
But I was a slow child, especially in homework stuff.
And my handwrite was awful.
Then, my sister was born.
Dad's workers, about 20 people, stole things from him.
He was and still is a forest man.
Mom had 2 companies, whose workers were dad and his crew.
But suddenly, things changed.
I graduated the primary school and started the 5th grade.
Dad could no longer help me in maths,
mom and grandma spend more and more time with my sister.
If I had a problem, mom was no longer there for me.
Dad loosed his workers and in 3 years and his job.
My friends changed, so I had 3 best friends.
I was no longer available to talk,
because  I had no time.
In the 7th grade, my dog died.
She was so old, she could no longer walk.
So we had to put her down.
My childhood cat was gone, only 3 months earlier,
Dad could no longer come home on Easter and my birthday,
My childhood…was gone.

In time, having kids mocking me,
the fear  of failing developed.
I was no longer the kid I used to be a year ago.
If someone, who last saw me at 5 years old,
was paying us a visit,  it could no longer see the happiness in my eyes.
Having mom and grandma telling me everyday
that I failed, asking me if I did my homework
made me lock me in myself.
Failing so much,
the happiness in my eyes turned to fear and sadness,
the smile turned into a joke.
Failing at every possible little thing,
I couldn't find my talent.
My plush dog is still there.
And I had grandpa mocking on me
for keeping a doll, I used to play so much with that doll.
'Why the hell do you keep a doll? You are almost 15! 15!' he asked.
'Because she's allowed to! Mom said.
My answer was silence.
'Because I need  it to remind me who I were, who I used to be.
To remind me of my happy childhood.' I thought.
As a child, I used to talk a lot, all the day.
They all told me to shut up.
When I did, I wasn't saying more then 'Yes.' 'No.'
My childhood…was gone.

When I was 13, every time I opened my mouth
to say something, there was someone to criticize me.
So I stopped saying anything.
My childhood…was…gone..